I'm on a Mission from God - Live Free!

Welcome to my revamped blog. It's been almost three years since I've updated it and I'm back with a clear pursuit: To live free.

I suppose it's fitting that I'm writing an entry on freedom on Memorial Day. I'm grateful to the many, many men and women who have and continue to serve our country so we may be free. And I value the freedom that being a United States citizen gives me. But the freedom that eludes me is emotional and spiritual freedom. And just to cut to the chase, I am determined to be painfully honest and direct in this blog because I'm on a mission from God. With God's help and direction, I'm going to learn how to live in freedom. Because frankly, I live in the bondage of anxiety. I live in shame-based anxiety and it's suffocating.

At an early age I formed a bad habit of allowing my to guilt take control of my emotions causing me to have severe anxiety. Each year that passed, the anxiety seemed to grow. The crippling cycle includes: Me doing something really stupid and against God's law, repenting, feeling terribly guilty believing I have to pay for the sin or else be doomed to eternity in hell, becoming anxious and afraid God is going to get me because I sinned against Him, ultimately causing me to go and do something else really stupid in an attempt to avoid the pain and discouragement that I created myself. As the cycles racked up, anxieties snowballed until you have what I am today -  a narcissistic ball of nerves. 

Jesus is the key to living free. And I regret that I have neglected getting to know Jesus. Don't get me wrong. I believe in Jesus - His birth, death and resurrection. But I don't think I know Him. Because if I really knew Him, I would get it. I would get that the above-mentioned cycle is all about me, and not about Him. I think it started out being about Him, but through the years I've allowed a bad habit to become a stomping ground for satan's attacks. And it has to stop.

I am blessed more than I can convey in a blog. I have a forgiving, patient, funny husband who loves me despite me being a little crazy; three children I am in love with deeply. And I'm simply allowing satan and bad habits to steal my joy. And I don't want to anymore. I want to know joy. I want to be joyful.

Joyce Meyer, one of my favorite evangelists and motivational speakers, says joy is not an emotion we feel. And we can't let our feelings determine how we receive or express joy. Jesus is joy. Knowing Jesus is joy. Resting in Jesus is joy. In John 10:10, Jesus says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

Today, May 27, 2013, I am starting a journey to know Jesus. I'm not going to allow satan to steal and kill and destroy my life without a fight. And I'm going to hold on to Jesus' promise. That through Him I can have life. Not just a troubled, anxiety-filled life. But a (joy)full life that begins now. I'm certain turning the ship around it not going to be easy. But I'm holding on to the One who can steer me home safely.

My Magnolias

Nine women that I graduated high school with and I recently enjoyed a weekend getaway. What fun! I've seen these women on occasion in the 17 years since we graduated. And those visits have been great. But an all-girls weekend translates into no husbands, children, laundry, baby puke, fights over the same toy, blah, blah, blah. And in the absence of family responsibilities and straight up stress, we were allowed to be the girls we were so long ago.

The crew included (I've changed the names to protect the innocent .... but you know who you are!):

• Bran - the wise-beyond-her-years caregiver and defacto leader;
• Cookie - the smartest, most intelligent class clown you'll ever meet;
• Ouiser - the wise-cracking sass pot with a heart of gold;
• Puss - everyone's best friend;
• Preggos -the breath-takingly beautiful artist who is pregnant and ready to pop;
• Yvonne - the tall, shy, sweet girl who would rather be behind the camera;
• Shantell - the athlete;
• Jillian - the working mother who can and does do it all with a smile (including a half-marathon);
• Bunn - the creative and talented jokester with the BEST laugh EVER;
• Momma (me) - still a cheerleader at heart with lots of enthusiasm that ultimately gets on people's nerves (I'm working on it).

To say that I love these women would be a gross understatement. I know these women. And they know me. They are as much of a part of me than any other character-shaping influence. This group is my "Steel Magnolias." We've celebrated each other's achievements, grieved for our losses, encouraged, listened, talked and talked and talked, cried, laughed, been pissed, supportive and kind.

There have been major life changes for all of us. The most joyous being marriage and children for some. Travel and adventure for others. The most tragic being deaths of parents. Not all of us grieved together physically in each other's presence. That's unfortunate. Or celebrated together. But the heart is a funny thing. It transcends distance. So even when one of us wasn't there, joy for happy occassions or hurt for the grieving remained. And the next time we were together it was as if we picked up where we left off. Guess the heart transcends time as well. And grace among friends is a priceless gift.

I fully intend to revisit all the antics that took place over the weekend. But for now, I choose to reflect and rest in the love I have for these special women ... my magnolias.